This is another great guest blog written by a dear friend, Cheri Timko. Cheri is a Couples Relationship Coach who offers support to couples who want to ditch the disappointment so they can have deeply connected and meaningful relationships. She is passionate about helping couples keep their relationship strong and encouraging people to focus on their relationship before problems develop. Cheri wrote this blog to help provide support for neurodivergent people in marriages and long-term relationships. If you are looking for help in your relationship, you should check out Cheri’s resources!

Forge Your Own Way–Your Neurodiverse Marriage

A Neurodiverse/Neurotypical Marriage is a complex relationship. Neurodiversity comes in a variety of forms. Each relationship variety presents unique challenges for a long-term relationship. These relationships don’t look like most of those in movies or shows. There are few if any examples of how to have a great one.

Like any other relationship, each partner wants to feel secure. They each bring their own ideas about how to get their needs and expectations met. Despite challenges, they both want a stable, satisfying marriage. It’s the details where things get sticky.

There are several challenges that are typical in a neurodiverse/neurotypical marriage. You might recognize yours in one of these:

You are each different, and you don’t understand those differences well

When you are dating, the differences seem quirky or endearing. Once you are living together or married, these differences are confusing or maddening. Many times, a person chooses a partner before they get a neurodiverse diagnosis. Once these differences are clear and understood, the struggles start to make sense.

You define connection, stability, and satisfaction differently, but don’t realize how different

All couples struggle with expectations. Your husband’s expectations seem ridiculous; your wife expects too much. You know how the scenario usually plays out for you. Most people forge ahead in the relationship, trying to shape the marriage to fit their needs. They rarely even notice that they imagine their ideal relationship differently. They argue and feel deep disappointment without understanding what’s going wrong.

After the initial courtship, actions in the relationship change dramatically

For all couples, the relationship settles into patterns and cycles. This is normal and expected. It’s impossible (and not very healthy) for your marriage to get all of your energy all of the time. Other parts of your life need your attention, too. For a neurodiverse/neurotypical relationship, this shift can feel like the rules entirely changed. It can feel like whiplash if either of you missed the signs that this change was coming.

Unfulfilled expectations lead to feelings of deep hurt and disappointment. Each partner blames the relationship and their partner for their pain

In all relationships, these feelings lead to arguing and disconnection. Hurt, disappointment, frustration, and loneliness become resentment unless they are repaired. In a neurodiverse/neurotypical relationship, it feels like different expectations doom the relationship.

Besides these typical challenges, your relationship will have unique difficulties. It’s important to identify the point where getting help will improve the relationship. Things are different today than even ten years ago. We recognize what neurodiversity looks like and understand how it affects relationships.

When should you seek help?

Get an evaluation if you suspect that you are neurodiverse. You will save yourself a lifetime of challenge and pain if you understand yourself

If you have neurodiverse traits, a competent professional will help you understand them. They will provide an evaluation and diagnosis. You might not meet the criteria for a neurodiverse diagnosis. But an evaluation will still help you to understand how you interact with a neurotypical world. The information will help you to make good, intentional decisions about relationships. Luckily, Dr. Jessica Myzsak is such a professional. If she can’t provide the evaluation, she will have suggestions for alternatives.

Before you enter a long-term commitment, get a premarital relationship evaluation

A good relationship assessment will assess your:

communication patterns,
problem solving skills, and
the alignment of your expectations and values.

The evaluator will give insight into what you need for a stable and satisfying relationship. They will warn you about the areas where you and your partner are different. These recommendations will show you how to bridge those gaps. A specially trained couples therapist will give this type of premarital assessment. Look for one who does a true assessment of you individually, as well as how you interact with your partner.

Seek help when you start having relationship problems

The average couple has problems for six years before they relationship they get help. That’s a long time of hurting and disappointing one another. Not all couples will make it through those six years. Early intervention helps you to improve the trouble spots in your relationship. It means that you will not have to work as hard to change the patterns in the relationship. There also won’t be as much relationship repair work to do. Luckily, therapists now specialize in the challenges of a neurodiverse/neurotypical marriage.

Before you get divorced, reach out for relationship support

Seek help before you conclude that you have irreconcilable differences. Talk with a specially trained couples therapist before you throw in the towel. It takes a lot of work to fix a troubled marriage. You will have to adjust expectations, change relationship patterns, and make relationship repairs. Getting divorced, however, takes a lot MORE work because you will have to change every aspect of your life. Separating may provide some immediate, short-term relief. But it also involves intense feelings of loss. Work with a competent couples therapist. They will lay out what the problems are and a pathway to fix them. Then you can make a good decision about whether to stay together or to separate.

A marriage is an agreement between two people about how to live their best lives together. No couple automatically understands which relationship agreements will work perfectly for both partners. It takes work to learn where the win-win solutions are. is so that each partner feels safe, secure, connected, and loved.

A neurodiverse/neurotypical relationship will have some similar and some unique challenges. Each partner will get their needs met when they tackle problems the same way that they handle other types of problems. First, define the problem. Second, understand what each of you need. Third, search for the win-win solution. Fourth, test out the solution and tweak it until you find the agreement that works for both of you. You’ll be glad that you did.

If you worry about where your relationship is headed, there are great professionals who can help. Look for a therapist specifically trained to work with neurodiverse/neurotypical couples. They will guide you through the problems to a deeply satisfying relationship for both of you. If you are working with a therapist who is encouraging you to throw in the towel, get another opinion.

Cheri Timko is a Couples Relationship Coach. She helps couples to release the disappointment and resentment that threaten to poison their feelings of being in love. She helps them to find the intersection of their unique personalities and win-win solutions. Get the free guide to developing good relationship habits so that you can start building deeper connections in your relationship today. https://www.cheritimko.com/f/from-ho-hum-to-hell-yes.

Dr. Jessica Myszak has had over 10 years of experience performing psychological evaluations with children and adults. She offers both in-person and telehealth evaluations. In addition to seeing clients on the Chicago North Shore, she is able to work with families who reside in Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Washington DC, West Virginia, and Wisconsin! If you are interested in learning more about potentially working with her, you can visit her website here to get the process started.