Living as an autistic adult comes with its challenges, especially when growing up undiagnosed. But one challenge I never expected was raising autistic children.

I have four children: two neurotypical daughters, ages seven and five, and identical twin boys who were diagnosed with autism in 2021. After years of struggling without support, I was eager to give my sons the help I had wished for in my childhood. I thought I knew exactly how to guide them.

However, autism is a spectrum, and no two experiences are the same. While my journey gave me valuable insight, my sons quickly became my greatest teachers.

Here are some of the unexpected lessons I have learned from raising my autistic twins.

Understanding Literal Thinking

Many autistic individuals take language literally, sometimes leading to unexpected and humorous situations. I had experienced this myself, but I never fully appreciated its impact until my son Eli gave me a real-life lesson.

One evening, while getting him ready for a bath, I absentmindedly said, “Go jump in the bath, Bubba.” Without hesitation, Eli climbed onto the edge of the bathtub and leaped in like a cliff diver.

My heart stopped as I rushed to catch him, but thankfully, he landed upright and unhurt. That moment was a wake-up call—I needed to be much more mindful of my words.

Becoming a Student of Your Child

That bath incident was just the beginning. Eli continued to show me how much I relied on colloquialisms—a habit I had picked up over the years as part of my own masking techniques.

Masking or camouflaging autistic traits to fit into a neurotypical world was something I had done for years without realizing it. But with Eli, I saw how important it was to communicate clearly and directly.

For parents of autistic children, one of the best things you can do is become a student of your child. They are the experts on their autism, and they will teach you exactly how to support them—if you are willing to learn.

Learning from Everyday Moments

Eli continues to remind me that autism shapes how a person views themselves and the world.

One afternoon, while driving home from daycare, he and his twin brother were listening to their favorite song. As the music played, Eli started making vocalizations to the beat. I smiled and asked him, “Are you a singer?”

He immediately became upset and firmly replied, “I’m not a singer, I’m an Eli.”

This was a powerful moment. He was struggling with the abstract idea that a person could be more than one thing. He saw himself simply as Eli—nothing more, nothing less.

This was a reminder to meet my sons where they are, rather than expecting them to grasp concepts in the same way neurotypical children might.

The Importance of Autism Acceptance

One of the biggest takeaways from parenting autistic children is realizing that acceptance is more important than trying to “fix” or change behaviors.
Every autistic child is unique, and while early intervention and support are helpful, the most powerful thing a parent can do is listen, learn, and adapt.
If you are raising an autistic child, take a deep breath and become their student. They will show you exactly how to support them, just as my sons continue to teach me every day.

FAQs

How can parents better communicate with autistic children?

Use clear and direct language. Avoid idioms or sarcasm, as autistic children may take things literally. Speak in simple terms and be patient when explaining concepts.

Why do some autistic children struggle with abstract thinking?

Autistic individuals often process information in concrete ways. Abstract ideas, such as a person being “a singer and an Eli,” can be confusing. These concepts take time and repeated exposure to understand.

What is masking, and why do autistic individuals do it?

Masking is when an autistic person hides or suppresses their natural behaviors to fit into a neurotypical world. Many autistic adults, especially those diagnosed later in life, develop masking habits to avoid standing out or being misunderstood.

How can parents support their autistic children effectively?

Instead of assuming what works best, observe and learn from your child. Each autistic individual experiences the world differently, so the best approach is to listen, adapt, and embrace their unique perspective.

Conclusion

Raising autistic children has been one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. While I once believed that my own experience with autism would make parenting easier, I quickly learned that every autistic journey is different. Through my sons, I have learned to adjust my language, communicate more clearly, and embrace each child’s unique way of thinking.

The most valuable lesson of all? Autistic children do not need to be “fixed”—they need to be understood and accepted.

About the Author

Trapper Shafer is an autistic adult and father of five, including two autistic children. He founded UNPUZLD, a clothing brand dedicated to promoting autism acceptance. 50% of all profits from UNPUZLD go toward autism foundations.

To learn more about Trapper and his work, visit UNPUZLD.

Need an Autism Evaluation?

Dr. Jessica Myszak has over 10 years of experience performing psychological evaluations with children and adults. She offers both in-person and telehealth evaluations. In addition to seeing clients on the Chicago North Shore, she can work with families who reside in Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Nevada, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, and Wisconsin! If you want to learn more about potentially working with her, you can contact her to start the process.