Emotional regulation is something we all do throughout the day, often without realizing it. It shows up both in small moments, like pausing before responding to a frustrating email or taking a breath when you can’t find the socks you want to wear, and in larger ones, like managing intense feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, or other emotional reactions.

For many children, teens, and adults—especially those who are autistic or have a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile—emotional regulation can feel completely unattainable, and when it is within reach, it can be inconsistent and exhausting. Even when people are extremely insightful, motivated, and trying hard, they can still find themselves overwhelmed.

What Is Emotional Regulation

Taking a closer look at emotional regulation from a neurodiversity-affirming perspective can shift how we make sense of these experiences and, even more importantly, how we respond to them. By understanding the underpinnings of emotional regulation, we can better appreciate how they may be differently impacted in neurodivergent people, which can then guide strategies to improve emotional regulation abilities.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ways we notice, experience, and respond to emotions in ways that support our needs, goals, and overall well-being. Being emotionally regulated does not mean that a person is always calm or never has strong feelings. Emotions are a normal and important part of being human; however, being emotionally regulated means a person can navigate emotional experiences in ways that are manageable and adaptive.

Also Read: Could You Have PDA? The Surprising Symptoms You Might Be Missing

Research describes emotional experiences as involving four interacting components (McRae & Gross, 2020):

A situation (what is happening)
Where one’s attention is directed
How the situation is interpreted
The response (internal and external)

Emotions develop differently across these components, so there are many possible points at which regulation can occur. Sometimes it involves stepping away from a situation. Other times it involves shifting attention, rethinking what is happening, or finding ways to support the body through the experience. There are many ways to regulate, and they can involve one or more people.

Why is Emotional Regulation so Difficult for Autistic People?

Most of the time, we try to regulate emotions when there is a gap between what we need and what we are experiencing (Gross, 2015).

For example, you might notice this when:

You want to stay calm, but feel overwhelmed
You want to complete a task, but anxiety or avoidance takes over
You want to connect, but feel shut down or flooded

For autistic individuals, especially those with a PDA profile, this gap between desired outcome and felt experience can appear very quickly and feel more intense. There are several reasons why this may be the case:

Sensory differences can increase the intensity of everyday experiences
Demand sensitivity—expectations or perceived pressures trigger a stress response
Accumulated stress from masking and navigating unsupportive environments
Black and white thinking/difficulties with flexibility, especially when plans change
Increased cognitive load (effort required to process information and social expectations)

When a person’s nervous system is already working hard, it has less capacity to absorb additional demands. Emotional responses may feel more immediate, more intense, and more difficult to shift once they begin. Some situations may trigger one or two of the above reasons, while other situations may be significantly impacted by all of the above.

Emotional Regulation Strategies: What Works?

People use a wide range of emotional regulation strategies, often without consciously choosing them. Some strategies are more helpful in certain contexts than others, and effectiveness often depends on timing, environment, and individual differences. Which of these do you use?

Cognitive Reappraisal

Cognitive reappraisal involves adjusting how a situation is interpreted to shift the emotional response. This might include considering alternative explanations, identifying what is within your control, or reframing the meaning of an experience.
Research consistently supports cognitive reappraisal as a helpful strategy across many contexts (Webb et al., 2012). It tends to work best when the nervous system is relatively regulated and able to engage in flexible thinking.
For example, a change in plans might initially feel disruptive or frustrating. With space and support, it may become possible to identify an alternative path forward or to see the situation in a broader context.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness focuses on developing awareness of thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without needing to change them. This can include noticing your breathing, paying attention to sensory experiences, and allowing thoughts to pass without engaging with them.
Mindfulness can help support emotional regulation by creating space between an experience and a reaction (Chambers et al., 2009). For some people, especially those with heightened sensory awareness, mindfulness practices may need to be adapted or may not be the best approach.

Distraction and Attention Shifting

Shifting attention away from a distressing situation can be a helpful way to reduce intensity, particularly in the moment.

This might involve:

Focusing on a different activity
Thinking about something positive or engaging
Redirecting attention to something neutral or calming

In many cases, stepping away temporarily allows the nervous system to settle enough to return to the situation later.

Rumination

Spending extended time focusing on distressing thoughts, feelings, or experiences without moving toward resolution can increase emotional intensity.
This often looks like replaying situations, questioning why something happened, or anticipating future difficulties.
Reflective practices like journaling, song-writing, or art creation can be helpful when they support meaning-making or problem-solving. If, however, they remain focused on distress without movement, they can contribute to feeling stuck.

Suppression

Suppression can refer to holding back emotional expression or attempting to limit internal emotional experiences.

At times, managing outward expression may be necessary for safety or social reasons. However, consistently trying to suppress emotional experience itself is associated with increased stress and reduced well-being (Gross & John, 2003).

What Actually Helps Emotional Regulation for Autistic Individuals?

Research (Pavlopoulou et al., 2025) shows that several predictable factors support emotional regulation in autistic adolescents.

First, regulation needs to be supported—it is easier to provide support on the front end, to prevent overwhelm. Supports can include predictable routines, reduced and flexible demands, sensory supports, and acceptance and understanding.

When someone is emotionally distressed, the most consistent useful strategies include connection and consistency. In particular, Pavlopoulou, G., Chandler, S., Lukito, S. et al. (2025) asked neurodivergent teenagers to identify what helped prevent experiences from being upsetting. They identified the following:

Being around kind others
Predictable environments
Feeling valued and validated
Acceptance and loyalty in peer groups
Having personal space
Adults/staff who understand and accommodate their needs
Feeling connected with others
Having neurodivergent staff/authority figures
Being around neurodivergent peers
Exercising self-care
Sensory-friendly and calm learning environments
Engaging learning environments

Out of the 12 identified supports, 7 had to do with supportive relationships, and 4 had to do with the environment. Overall, providing time and space without pressure, providing a calm, non-demanding presence, and giving the person opportunities to move their body or choose their sensory input can help ease difficult situations.

In this same study (Pavlopoulou et al., 2025), neurodivergent teenagers identified strategies that felt most helpful. They shared the following as helpful accommodations and strategies:

Affirmation about my feelings
Being around trusted others
Emotional validation
Support from others to co-regulate emotions
Taking the initiative to use preferred strategies
Being able to communicate needs
Being able to choose accommodations
Being offered options
Thinking about future rewards
Engaging in purposeful activities
Disengagement to protect myself
Releasing feelings physically or vocally

Having autonomy and support from others is essential. Having choices about what and how to do things, and being able to trust the people around them, were repeatedly shared as helpful accommodations.

It can also be helpful to draw on a person’s strengths—bring in their special interests, engage them with creativity or problem solving, and allow them to choose the coping strategies that work best for them. Finding purpose, motivation, and learning from past experiences can help. In addition, humor and having a positive sense of neurodivergent identity can be positive ways to cope. Teenagers reported (Pavlopoulou et al., 2025) that having rehearsed plans to fall back on and being able to distract themselves from getting upset are also helpful.

Also Read: All About Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

Supporting Emotional Regulation in Children

When a child is overwhelmed, their behavior often reflects the state of their nervous system rather than a deliberate choice. Unfortunately, a misunderstanding of these incidents can sometimes lead teachers or parents to yell or get angry. In these moments, increased demands, reasoning, or consequences tend to add to the load rather than reduce it.

Support is most effective when it focuses on:

Reducing input and expectations
Offering a calm, steady presence
Allowing space for recovery

Regulation typically develops after the nervous system settles, not during peak distress. For this reason, it is important to attend to the person’s nervous system before trying to talk through the situation.

Now What? Applying This to Your Life (or Your Child’s)

Information is helpful. But emotional regulation can really shift once insight translates into practical changes. If you are autistic or identify with a PDA profile, or if you support someone who does, here are ways to begin translating this into daily life.

1. Start by Noticing Patterns – Not Rushing to Fix Them

Notice both moments of regulation and emotional dysregulation in your life. Are there certain situations where you feel most regulated? Or things that tend to become overwhelming? What is the context (i.e., are there sensory aspects to the environment? Social expectation? Other factors that left you feeling depleted?) By noting the situations in which emotional regulation occurs, we can better understand whether dysregulation is actually the result of cumulative stress. If so, taking actions to address these other issues before feeling overwhelmed can prevent a strong reaction later.

2. Ask the question: “What Does My Nervous System Need?”

In moments of distress, higher-level strategies (such as reframing, reasoning, and problem-solving) are not always readily available. Focusing instead on your immediate environment and sensory needs can help you decrease overwhelm. Consider whether you need space, movement, connection, or autonomy. For teens and adults, this might just mean stepping away from a task without labeling that as avoidance or failure.

3. Understand your regulation options

Think through the specific things that help you (or your child) emotionally regulate in these three situations: with low levels of distress, more intense distress, and after emotional dysregulation. For example, with low levels of distress, you might benefit from light movement (taking a walk or doing some stretching), humor, transitioning to a new task, or spending time on a special interest. For more intense distress, you might need to take a break, reduce demands, engage in more physical activities (going for a run, stimming, screaming, taking a shower, taking a nap), or talk with a trusted person. After a meltdown, you might benefit from journaling, talking it through with a trusted person, or making a plan for the future.

Regulation improves most in environments where people feel safe, understood, and valued. Emotional regulation is a nervous system process shaped by environment, autonomy, and support. When we shift from controlling behavior to understanding nervous systems, we create conditions where regulation becomes more accessible.

That is often where meaningful change begins.

Need Professional Support?

Dr. Jessica Myszak and Dr. Jaime Long have significant experience performing psychological evaluations with children and adults. They offer both in-person and telehealth evaluations for children, teens, and adults looking for answers. In addition to seeing clients on the Chicago North Shore, they can work with families who reside in Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachussetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Washington DC, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming! Dr. Long is also now available to see clients in New York and California. If you are interested in learning more about potentially working with them, you can visit their website here to get the process started.

References

Chambers, R., Gullone, E., Allen, N. B. (2009). Mindful emotion regulation: An integrative review. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(6), 560-572. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.06.005
Gross, J. J., John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of personality and social psychology, 85(2), 348-362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781
McRae, K., Gross, J. J. (2020). Emotion Regulation. Emotion, 20(1), 1-9. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/emo0000703
Pavlopoulou, G., Chandler, S., Lukito, S., Kakoulidou, M., Matejko, M., Jackson, I., Balwani, B., Boyens, T., Poulton, D., Harvey-Nguyen, L., Glen, Z., Wilson, A., Ly, E., Macauley, E., Hurry, J., Baker, S., Sonuga-Barke, E. J. S., The RE-STAR team. (2025). Situating emotion regulation in autism and ADHD through neurodivergent adolescents’ perspectives. Scientific Reports, 15 https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-025-21208-x
Webb, T. L., Miles, E., & Sheeran, P. (2012). Dealing with feeling: a meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin, 138(4), 775-808. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027600