Trapper Shafer is an autistic adult, a father to both neurotypical and autistic children, and an advocate for autism awareness. In this article, he shares his experiences navigating life with autism, shedding light on the challenges many autistic adults face.

The Reality of Living with Autism

There are times when I think that having cancer might be easier.

Now, I know that sounds extreme. Cancer is a devastating disease. I’ve lost two family members to it and watched three others fight their way through. However, when it comes to understanding and support, the difference between how society treats cancer and autism is striking.

Being an autistic adult—especially one trying to be successful—comes with unique challenges. This became painfully clear during my time as a retail manager for a major chain. I won’t mention the name (for legal reasons), but let’s just say the upper management wouldn’t come out looking great in this story.

The Fear of Being Judged

When I was first diagnosed with autism, I kept it a secret. I was afraid.

I worried that if my employer found out, I’d be demoted or even fired. I also feared being mocked. I had already endured relentless bullying in middle and high school, and I didn’t want to go through that again.

In my town, I only knew of one other autistic adult who wasn’t living in a group home. The loneliness and fear were overwhelming. But after a year of therapy, online support groups, and connecting with that fellow autistic adult, I started opening up about my diagnosis.

“You Don’t Look Autistic”

One of the most frustrating things people say to autistic adults is, “You don’t look autistic.”

Whenever I gathered the courage to share my diagnosis, I was met with disbelief. People would say:

“You have a job; how can you be autistic?”
“You’re a department manager; that’s not possible.”
“You’re married with kids; that doesn’t seem autistic to me.”

These comments made me feel invalidated. It’s like telling someone with cancer, “You don’t look like you have cancer.” That would be ridiculous, right? No one questions a cancer diagnosis, but autism often isn’t taken seriously because it isn’t always visible.

Why Autism Can Feel Harder Than a Physical Illness

I don’t wish to have cancer. But I do wish autism was treated with the same level of seriousness and understanding.

When someone has cancer, people don’t question it. They offer support, bring meals, and encourage the person to follow a treatment plan. Autism, on the other hand, is often misunderstood. There’s no universal treatment, and every autistic person’s experience is different.

What would help? Acceptance. Understanding. Less judgment.

Lessons Learned

I’ve come to realize that many autistic adults avoid getting assessed or seeking help because they fear being judged. The best way to change this is by creating a world where autistic people don’t feel the need to mask their symptoms just to fit in.

The more we accept neurodiversity, the more people will feel safe enough to embrace their true selves. When society stops forcing autistic individuals to hide who they are, more people will seek the support they need to thrive.

FAQs

1. What does it mean to “mask” autism?

Masking means hiding autistic traits to blend in with neurotypical people. This can include forcing eye contact, suppressing stims (like fidgeting), or mimicking social behaviors that don’t come naturally.

2. Why do people say, “You don’t look autistic”?

Many people have a stereotypical view of autism, thinking it only affects children or that it looks a certain way. Autism is a spectrum, and no two autistic people are the same.

3. How can society better support autistic adults?

By listening, learning, and accepting. Stop questioning diagnoses, avoid harmful comments, and create spaces where autistic individuals feel comfortable being themselves.

Conclusion

Autism isn’t a disease. It’s a different way of experiencing the world. But without understanding and support, it can feel like an uphill battle. As awareness grows and acceptance increases, more autistic adults will feel comfortable seeking assessments and getting the help they need. The key to change is simple: less judgment, more acceptance.

About the Author

Trapper Shafer is an autistic adult and father of five, including two autistic children. He is the founder of UNPUZLD, a clothing brand that promotes autism acceptance and donates 50% of profits to autism organizations. Learn more about his work here: UNPUZLD.

Need an Autism Assessment?

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